How do u get a lost condom out? Like really lost... up there...
It's official, my little sister has hooked up with more girls than I have.
She agreed that we could have sex whenever I wanted and I could let someone else meet my mom.
i found two dead squirrels on my front step this morning.. do you think they have something to do with my missing phone?
Hey, can you come over and kill me real quick
It is way too early in the summer for me to be coming into work still drunk.
It's that thing where you don't have any food so you just drink beer to get your needed calories for the day.
Consider it an appointment to improve my blow job capabilities.
Stop trying to get a gf and raw dog some forest beasts like sasquatch
It took me half an hour to realize I didnt know them
Why are there so many fucking Lambchop puppets hidden around my house?!
Yah. I'm gonna lay you down and feed you grapes, except I'm gonna replace grapes for my balls
No way man ... This is real life. Complete sentences and everything.
I remember reading the word "lift" so I did. The alarn went off, and I thought to myself "what dumbass pulls the fucking fire alarm?" and then I realized it was me...
Honestly his girlfriend says she hates me cause she thinks im trying to get him to cheat on her with me...she should hate me cause i already accomplished that.
Randomize
