I'm so over stopping myself from talking about my sexual experiences in front of children.
Why is it that you only get to have sex when you haven't shaved your legs in six weeks and are wearing period stained granny panties?
you know i think I know why you are single...because you are real cute but then you open your mouth and let words come out and all goes to hell.
I'm pretty sure she sent a group text out saying that I was the one to get with her last night and sorry to everyone who didnt make it.
Honestly it was an honor just to be nominated.
is the shake weight an appropriate valentine's day present?
can't make this up: he's writing lyrics for the musical reenactment of how he met her @ an anime convention to perform at their wedding. yes, there'll also be dance routines involved.
we were running to make last call and you stopped me and said very seriously "if i fall, go on without me. just make sure theres a beer in my hand when you go"
This is the second time in a week I've woken up with your bra in my bed and I've had to sit and think about how it happened.
i figured out i could get from the downstairs bar to the upstairs bar AND grab pizza by going through the kitchen. it was the greatest discovery of my life besides the flabongo.
I'm definitely going to class still drunk right now and the freshman dressed as Hugh Heffner last night is texting me. I can't handle this.
Package arrived for me from the gf while she's on vacation..under the bed bondage kit and new lingerie...my boner could drive to the airport
Anddon't worry about me I have my Darth Vader flashlight
Id prob hit it, but i instagram edited her picture to make her look better. Ha. She should fuck me just for that.
fyi, pepper spray hurts. whoever comes up with the best backstory wins a prize.
so horny i almost want to text him..and then i remember the restraining order i have against him
Randomize
