This is why I shouldn't be left alone with liquor and anticipation.
My itunes is telling me i listened to toxic by b spears 108 times last night
Just tried to put my sweatpants on backwards...the chances of passing my physics exam just went down about 100%.
that blow job was not worth the clinginess that will follow
You were definitely doing something right. You could only see the colored parts of his eyes a couple of times. I was pretty sure he was dead at some point.
It was worse than that time I did shots of BBQ sauce and pierced my own ear with a thumbtack
So the stripper who poured a beer on my head also gives great head. Even she doesn't know why she went home with me. No more mystery shot challenges.
Can we talk about the fact that I plucked weed off your ass this morning like it's a normal thing to do?
Dude if her licking my face hammered isn't love I don't really want to know what love is.
Thats Poetry
I think this shark week should consist of getting drunk enough to actually go hunt sharks ourselves.
I puked and rallied in front of a cop...and then waved at him....
There are grandparents doing keg stands I don't know
NO I WILL NOT SET YOU UP WITH MY TWIN WHAT THE HELL IS WRONG WITH YOU?!? JUST BECAUSE I WONT BLOW YOU DOESNT MEAN YOU CAN STALK HER AS A BACKUP PLAN YOU SPANISH BASTARD
In the words of my step grandma "whatever makes your pussy happy"
This is a life or shit situation. Grab me toilet paper asap. This bathroom is fucking out. This is not a test. This an actual emergency and I am not joking.
Randomize
