just peed in the tub, threw it on Megan.. she threw more back, I got out and threw toilet water on her.. forecast for tomorrow? pink eye.
i think the fact that he graduated high school the year i graduated elementary school is sexy.
He left a cum stain in the shape of a heart on my sheets.
He's like the Bob Ross of love stains.
I'm actually agreeing with glenn beck. What the FUCK was in that margarita?!
The kid next to me is typing a powerpoint presentation.. title: Reasons to Wear a Condom, subtitle: The Ian Story
The first slide was titled: You Could Get a Girl Pregnant.
I'm drinking carlo rossi straight from the jug. I don't have any clean cups...how am I still at this point in my life...
Your excessive judging is making this uncomfortable
pretty sure I called you last night to sing Hebrew to you.
Everyone is drunk but me. Fantastic. Everyone is hooking up but me. Awkward.
I had a pitcher of margaritas. Now I'm in a laundry room being a 5th wheel and crying. I made myself a bed out of a pool floatie. I win.
Are you coming to the bday night? i'll be doing a life-like reenactment of traveling through Bonnie's vaginal canal and taking my first breath of life. Don't think you'll want to miss it.
I can bring a slip n slide and curtains.
I've officially slept through a hurricane, a tornado and had sex during an earthquake. I'm surviving.
We're in a hurricane and you send me a video of you playing with your dick while driving! You wanna die?!
I'd date him. I'd date the fucking shit out of him.
His wife just cheated on him for the third time. I'm his first extra-marital fling, that makes it ok, right? You know to keep karma balanced in the universe
Your logic is flawless...
we started drinking at 4pm, somehows its 1 am im in bathing suit running from the cops.....any explanation of what happened?
Randomize
