she said i have a nice penis, i told her only bob saget and god could judge that.
I have a great idea. you just need to get pregnant.
Mother, no, i will not talk about this again. Please stop planning my unborn daughters life. I will not put her in pagents. That is trashy. Stop watching toddlers in tiaras. It is also trashy. I love you.
I just remembered I gave $20 to a bum last nite. Philanthropy events always make me do stupid shit.
Fine then. I'll just do all this coke on my own this weekend and die. It'll be strictly your fault.
just found out they live across the street from coke dealers... rethinking the new years resolution
First thing on my "to do" list- get sober for community service.
I apparantly wanted to name her baby garbage
Got laid in my rudolph onesie for the second year in a row. New tradition? Absolutely.
Drunk dialed the ex last nigh; turns out I miss dialed. The stranger who answered played along and apologized for sleeping with my cousin. She sent me a txt this morning to let me know.
Kindest stranger ever. Marry that girl.
He was only in jail for 4 hours before he was someone's prison wife
It's gonna be like a sexual version of A Christmas Carol in my house in a few days.
I emptied a Vyvance capsule into my coffee pot last night and set the auto start. Pretty sure I've been drinking meth all morning
I just found a samari sword in the couch. I'm about to take like 5 shots and pretend to be captain jack sparrow
Text me some of your sweat
I feel so accomplished. I've cleaned my room, done laundry, called those places, gotten jobs, and masturbated.
I'm so proud of you.
Randomize
