textsfromlastnight.com keeps rejecting me
that alone proves you never get laid, nor have a life.. or have anything funny to contribute to the world.
Babe! I just farted and I swear to jesus lord christ that it sounded like ur name! Ok, more like Meeatt but still... awesome.
There need to be more gay people on my afternoon soaps.
He has 250 profile pictures. Of course he was a douchebag
Vodka @ 9pm. Library. Nothing can go wrong, I promise.
I miss the smell of you or some shit.
second attempt at shower sex: failed after the water turned orange bc of a fire up the street. this is just not meant to be
Donald Trump and I would be so adorably orange together!
But seriously who drew a dick on a tortilla and nailed it to the door?
She bit my shoulder during foreplay last night, and it's already infected. I think she has rabies.
I also told the pizza delivery guy that he smelled good. I must be ovulating.
Like I owe him sex. Hell fucking no. I owe myself sex. With a celebrity. Or a clean pornstar. Who knows.
She broke up with me after I spent the whole day speaking in nothing but Marshawn Lynch quotes.
I can't decide which is better: the sex, or remembering that I have ice cream in the freezer after he left
excused from jury duty. THAT hungover...
Randomize
