i was high and broke so i stole a roast chicken and a 40 inch sheet cake from wegmans and ate in a bathroom stall.
Halloween has nothing on dressing up as as the INS on cinco de mayo
I learned an important lesson last night: Jameson giveth, but Jameson also taketh away.
Cruelly.
She bought a fucking hedgehog. And that's just the tip of the crazy iceberg.
Do you know how awkward it is to call the bar from last night and ask if they found my leggings?
I just spent the last 30 mins playing uplifting songs to my uterus, & there's no way I'm pregnant.
Then he unzipped his pants and whispers, " oohhh, look out!"
...I think I just watched a boy make a sandwich seductively. What.
I accused him of not drinking enough alcohol and eating tacos after midnight. I was sober and he's not a gremlin. I would say bad.
Just accidentally walked into a parade for Jesus
THIS IS EXACTLY WHY YOU SHOULDA FUCKED BEFORE YOU MADE HIM YOUR BOYFRIEND, CURVED DICKS ARE NOT OK
He held my hair back for me while i vomited in my driveway last night and i repayed him by farting mid-heave.
how much of this shit do i need to take before i think its a good idea to set the house on fire and scream satanic mantras?
Love that I’m sending my uber driver a thank you message for taking me home via mcdonalds tonight before I’m messaging my date from tonight! Lol
I went with vodka instead of tequila tonight so I make better decisions. Fool proof plan.
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