How do u get a lost condom out? Like really lost... up there...
There is no point in being painfully greyhound thin if you are then going to dress like it's raining in 1992.
I just made bacon chili cheese fries for dinner...someday my kids are going to realize I'm a stoner & this will all make sense
i left with the words "thank you for undersanding my sluttiness"
I'm just a little drunk right now and I have to work at 3
Omg sara
I ran out of milk and it's hot and I was thirsty
He's trying to marry me, when is the appropriate time to tell him my real name and that Dallas is a completely fictitious slutty alter ego? I need the advice of someone with morals.
Am I supposed to confront my 52-year-old boss/mother of 3 about the fact that we matched on Tinder?
She climbed up the stairs with three brownies in one fist, two in the other, and one in her mouth. Also, she opened the bedroom door with her foot. I may be in love.
I'm smoking a bowl in my bathtub. I'm meant to be alone.
It's all fun and games until you rupture a testicle
Hillary said in her victory speech "We're gonna come together". I've got a lib-boner.
COCAINE AND SUSPENSFUL BBC SHOWS DO NOT WORK.
it's a rainbow of FUCK YOU
He’s actually a personal trainer. He said he hasn’t taught yoga in a while but the stripper prefers to introduce him as a yoga teacher
He kept apologizing that the nerve damage makes him take a while to finish. Meanwhile he gave me 3 orgasms and a leg cramp
Only you could benefit from a reckless driver
Randomize
