Come to wood. Julia is putting pants on. We must stop her.
I hope you had to get up out of bed and walk across your room to check this text message
He called my vagina a rainforest. This is coming from a guy whose pubes are longer than his dick.
What's life without a lamp shade you wore home?
Pros and cons of selling your underwear to a guy on craigslist. Go.
Come down off the roof.
Dave used his AAA card to get my car towed to my house so I could get drunk. Evil genius.
He gave me one look and told me I'm not allowed to board the plane if I'm still as drunk by departure time.
I KNEW IT. I HAD A FEELING. THIS IS GODS CURSE. BREAK UP WITH A SEX GOD. GET ONE OF HIS PEASANTS.
I won't trust your judgement until the word stripper doesn't make me laugh
So far today I've found 3.5 million dollars in savings. Pretty sure management is gonna start buying me hookers if getting laid has this much payoff
Today's walk of shame includes last nights hair and make up, an 8 hour shift, me leading a meeting and me throwing up in a parking lot on my way to work. Dear world, you're welcome.
I just ate a handful of salt
I thought this was a good idea
I offer naked tickle fights and orgasms and you call it trouble. I call that Christmas.
His junk had piercings everywhere. The dick and balls. It was a fucking pirate penis.
My ex unfollowed me on SPOTIFY bruh. Freaking spotify. The butthurt is real
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