I can't remember last night. I must have yelled at your girlfriend til she cried again.
Yup.
God, i just love slightly insecure guys with hearts of gold and giant penises.
I mean, how many people can say they helped surgically remove something from their body? Other than the guy that got his hand stuck under a rock and cut it off. Doesn't count
I've carried my liver for over 24 years. If it can't carry me for the next 24 hours than it deserves to be damaged.
The bouncer called to give me my shoes back when I got there he said " I'm all cool with fuvking bitches but when you try to to do it in my bar on the pool table you're gonna get chocked out every time"
At least you got your shooes
he said good things come in small packages and I decided to hook up with someone else
I was like a damn cattle dog, I separated all the sheep, I can wing man for anyone on this campus.
Cutting up lines with the edge of my birth control packet. Just reminding you this is the person you've CHOSEN to be monogamous with.
And then he said, "let's have sex and I'll send you home with enchiladas."
Apparently it's not a "bonding moment" when you realize you use the same porn site as your boyfriend
Tip of the day: Don't Amazon vibrators when your WHOLE FAMILY uses your prime account. There's dildo after dildo showing up in my "Related to Items You've Viewed" category on the home page.
Just because I'm sleeping with him doesn't mean I'm in love with him, it means that I want to have sex with someone who isn't a serial killer.
he invited me over. we listened to jazz, smoked weed, then cerebrally fucked each other over a three hour game of chess
Upon further investigation my nipples are bruised and I have teeth marks all over.
Convinced if I was being murdered in my house no one would come and save me. If no one heard my 10000000 orgasms last night, there is no hope.
Randomize
