Listen the way I know if I'm drunk is if I have stage fright in the pisser if I do then I'm not drunk! And I definitely still do right now!
last night i found where hot topic managers go to die after they get fired.
you read me verses from the beginners bible until my answering machine finally ran out of time and cut you off.
We just did a shot to "getting laid in the bar bathroom". I love where this thursday is headed
Remember...the emancipation proclimation is your favorite document, you love asian women, japanese food is the tits, and you willfully employ as many latinos as possible...
Dude, I checked into a cathedral... I thought it was a joke, until I found a candle and a whole bunch of coins in my purse
How are ur friends?
One is peeing in the grass and the other is asleep under the stairs. Fuck them I'm sleeping in the car
he looks SO much like Drake, I feel like an extreme groupie every time we have sex.
Getting drunk and throwing things at people isnt the same with you not here. Remember when you dislocated my elbow and then popped it back in in one motion?
I just soaked a sugar cookie in nail polish remover to clean off my nails because I was too lazy to walk to the bathroom to get a cotton ball. Is this what rock bottom feels like?
I just smoked a bowl with the lady who runs the special olympics. Your move.
Friends don't let friends put redi whip in their wine
You were silly, high, and chewing on things.
You were wearing a sequin mini, with Tevas. And you still got laid.
We sexted for four hours straight. Is this really what my life has come to?
Randomize
