Just got booed while taking a piss and asked if I 'call that a penis.' Get me the fuck out nf yankee stadium.
I texted her sayin "I gotta brush my teethn then Im omw" maybe hint to do the same
I decided that $2 and a kiss on the cheek was a great tip for the pizza girl. No one is REALLY sure how much I've have to drink.
Waiting outside the STD clinic 30 min before it opens already in a line up. It's like were all waiting for a concert that no ones really pumped for
i swear, about 40% of my drunken life is spent having sex with him.
I was afraid that she would smell her boyfriend's penis on my breath while we were talking.
I was fine until "Under Pressure" came on the radio. It's like God wanted me to shit my pants on the drive home.
First Thanksgiving as a grown up: My step dad had to take my brother (who still smells like booze) and I both to our cars this morning, apparently we were at the same bars (same stamps), & I think I broke my elbow. Im thankful to be alive & not incarcerated.
I drew a giraffe.. But she did say that bumped that test up from a 39 to a 40. It's the little things.
Its mothers day, andI woke up with 12 bar stamps on my face, holding orange juice and a box of tampons. This can not be happening
The bong is packed and it's taco Tuesday come over
how do you always get into these "we banged the same dude now lets be friends" situations???
I repeat do not go to a jail visit drunk, those stools are easy to fall off.
Make me food? I don't want to be a science experiment. I'm dunk. Holy shit. Drunk*. Let's do science.
This is a weird combination of planning and sexting but whatever
Randomize
