i think i just puked on my phone
we live great lives
I feel like dying is the new "adopt an african baby"
I just had my first experience getting hit on by a guy. It was really awkward, he touched my chest and invited me to a gay bar because "women get drunk and let their guard down at gay bars"
thats actually pretty good logic
i would bitch about being this hungover, but honestly im just happy to be alive after this weekend
whoever put homecoming and halloween on the same weekend owes me a new liver and a get out of jail free card.
i thought i should point out that whatever else you can say about me, i've still gotten high with a midget.
Bitch guess who just got a fucking taser
Great. I will show up in your office wearing only oven mitts later today.
IF THE GUY WHO I AM BORROWING OUR CAR FROM FINDS ONE CONDOM OR JIZZ STAIN IN THIS CAR HE IS GOING TO CASTRATE MY ASS. SERIOUSLY, DON'T FUCK IN THE CAR.
They said you went back in for 30 minutes and were walking with your arms out like an eagle soaring
he was spending his time trying to use emojis to court a 19 year old, I can’t really take that seriously no matter how hot a dude is
To celebrate the holidays this evening, I will be replying “FUCK YOU” to all my spam emails. Can’t tell you how excited I am
I just set my mike's hard down and didn't want it to spill, so I held my finger up and told it to shoosh. I'm drunk.
You want further proof that God hates me? Okay. We're on the way to the ER. A homeless man stabbed me at the gas station.
I had a good weekend too...although I cried about the dog in a drunken stupor last night...not one of my finest moments, but it's all water under the bridge.
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