my mom just served us mashed potatoes with an ice cream scoop. When I asked her why, she said she thought it would make dinner 'more fancy'...
hey. who tried to drive me home last night?
not sure. we got lost. what do you mean "tried"?
i'm still in their car. parked on the beach. no one else is here. i have on different pants.
I forgot to mention I threw up in my wine glass AND my neighbors empty cup.
this year's halloween challenge: make audrey hepburn go from classy to slutty drunk
Getting wasted on top of a casino. My penis is so much higher than everyone else's right now.
I was officially considered the drunkest person in cuba when the bartender at the swim up bar made me wear a life jacket for 'safety purposes'
You said eat breakfast. So i poured Baileys on top of m&m's. It taste just like like cereal I swear.
I'm laying in the fetal position on the floor of my kitchen eating potato salad with my fingers. Please come over with some real food and keep me company.
I'll just be here. Naked. Eating tots and jello like a muh fuggin G
After I finished inserting the catheter he said he thought my name was familiar. Didn't have the nerve to tell him he was my fifth grade teacher.
He was just lying on the living room floor watching Star Wars with six empty pack of cigarettes and two empty cases of beer.
In his defence I guess I did take the bed, couch and dining room set in the breakup.
I just looked at your pics on Facebook....there was cake? Where the fuck was I!?
must go to store soon wiping with panty liner ugh
We almost ended up sober because of u!!
Dude I was tripping acid when she was crying and I literally couldn't defend myself
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