i just carried on a conversation with my mother from another room mid-ejaculation. you would have done the same
My Adderall prescription says to take my recommended dose and throw away any leftover pills. Why don't more prescriptions come with jokes like this?
Sex and the city 2 and twilight getting released in the same month. God hates mankind.
Whoever I saved in my phone as "Jackpot" last night has your keys.
I'm on my fifth cocktail in twenty minutes. I don't think I will end this on two legs.
Small children cheering my name. I am not a decent enough human being to feel comfortable with this.
I don't drink so I see St. Patty's as an LSD type of day. Its like a more hardcore 420
I was out with the drag queens until 7am. This is the hangover I needed to kick my ass back to sobriety. Dear Virgin Mary, fuck my life.
Wait is it okay if I still want to fuck the whole USA swim team or is that only acceptable during the Olympics?
Had to go see my sisters new baby this morn in the clothes I wore to the rave last night. Still drunk. Almost dropped it. I'll be a good aunt right?
Last night you snap chatted some chick a pic of bottle service with the caption "send tits"
Well now you know not to take drugs from your friends. Take it from stangers. They're more reliable.
I'm excited for him and his new girlfriend. I'm just going to miss his penis is what I'm saying.
If you're not my stylist, having sex with me, or agreeing to have sex with me don't fucking touch my hair.
I don’t want to brag, but vows, morals and will power are no match for my blow job skills
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