It's a sad day when you have to slightly move your fupa to shave.
It's always a relief to be able to look at some one, and remind yourself that there IS some one who gets laid less then yourself.
Awww. A guy on the train just took his coat off so his girlfriend could throw up into it. Who says chivalry is dead?
well... just scaled a wall and entered the bar through the balcony. just making some last minute memories nbd.
After a couple hours you decided you were going to walk home but ten minutes later you called and said you'd puked by the side of the road and you needed us to drive you to the art museum.
sleeping in bed with your booty calls married sister...you're the stuff heroes are made of.
Because selling drugs to kids never goes out of business. We get older, they stay the same stupid.
So that wine I told you about is vile...
That the stuff you brewed in your dorm closet? Are you actually going to drink it?
Yup. It's drinkable. Might go blind, but I've got to use my chemistry minor for something.
Going to a professional golf course at 2am to throw the flag poles like javelins
I don't want a baby! I JUST WANT AN ORGASM THAT ISN'T SELF INFLICTED.
"This is Emily. She likes potatoes. And sometimes laughs and cries at the same time, and has a wonderful butt"
Well as if this year didn't suck enough already, I can now count 2015 as the year I got chlamydia
I didn't have anyone to cheers so I tapped my beer on your fish tank... a little too hard
will you help me invent vagina-safe pop rocks?
Just realized I've spent more nights sleeping on bathroom floors the last two weeks than in my own bed. It's time to reevaluate my life.
Randomize
