It's sad how good I am at giving people diseases
Oh, and for future reference, telling a guy that your ass is too tight for anal is like painting a bullseye on it.
surgery went fine. i cant breath out of my right nostril though. lets not eat peas anymore when we are drunk.
I really don't want to. I just don't know how to nicely say "dude I'm having a rough time in life right now and I just need to dress like a stripper cop, get shit faced, and have dirty crazy sex"
I filled two of the glass ornaments in my mom's bathroom last night with vodka. That way no one sees me drinking on Christmas. Alcoholic or genius? All I know it makes bathroom trips frequent and enjoyable.
I got a dollar bill stuffed into my bra on two separate occasions by two separate guys simply for having boobs. I feel like somewhere god is patting himself on te back while pointing at me goin "you're welcome dude." easiest two bucks I ever made.
So the crazy cock blocking bitch sent her a picture of her boobs using MY phone and said: he's busy at the moment
Queso dip and pictures of Daniel's penis. It's like the last days of Rome over here.
Drunk. But sober enough to know I hate gymnastics.
My new year's resolution was to squirt this year. I only have four months left. Help.
Someone just knocked jenga into a plate of cake. I'm licking off each piece one by one.
I'm going to CVS to meet the Craigslist guy who is going to buy my underwear. If I don't text you within the next hour, plz assume that I have been abducted by a stranger with an underwear fetish.
Aaaaaaaand dick pic. God bless america, and god bless tinder.
I wanna snuggle with you as we feed each other chipotle burrito bowls and that's just where I'm at right now
It stopped being casual for me when I waxed my vagina for you
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