There's a girl here with sideburns. I gave her your number, you can thank me later.
we found you standing over and eating out of my neighbor's garbage can
I think this baby is eyeing my beer
If I'm gonna go to jail I'm gonna be wearing a poncho
I called for backup and had two guys carry him to the shower. The bigger guy offered to wash his hair.
You didn't know it was a gay bar until the 7th guy rejected you. You were crying because you thought it was just a bad night. No more for you.
Weirdly I'm doing ok, but I've tested positive for chlamydia, I wanted to let you know
That does it. We're drinking til we're pirates.
I tried to high-five the cop last night. he just looked at my raised hand and told me to go to bed.
You gave your boss a bj to get the safe employee of the month award?
When she says 'Polish hangover cure' she just means more vodka. Don't do it.
Is it sacrilegious to take tequila shots on Saint Patrick's day?
all I remember is grinding on everyone in the room regardless of gender and quoting the lion king non-stop. We need to stop buying Jameson.
I just found your shirt hanging in a tree 4 blocks from the party...in the opposite direction of your house. where are you going?
I walked in describing her boobs thinking I was talking to you only to hear dad say 'I remember when your moms were like that'. ALWAYS tell me when they get home early. Always
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