you ran into the room and announced "I JUST FUCKED HER IN THE ASS". apparently you forgot she left the bedroom 5 minutes before you and was standing with us all.
Why do I always have sex on the first date when I know it demotes me to booty call girl?
you tried to clear everyones facebook status so that yours would be the only one on everyones home page
Santa Clause just drove by me on a fire truck. Epic night begins.
They should try giving mcdonalds to cancer patients because it just cured the worst hangover ive ever had
There are only families here. I'm at the bar alone double fisting drinks. You cannot get any more approachable than I am now.
I'm currently making some changes in my life. If you don't hear from me anymore, then you're probably one of them. Or I'm dead.
in my defense, he kept drinking all of my water.
he had diabetes and you told him to stop being a pansy!
I hate being near you and not being able to do what I want. It's like a recovering alcoholic tending bar. I feel like Sam Malone. Except I can't bang the cute chick I work with.
Sorry bud. Having a shitty day because the GF broke up with my wife and I. We really liked her too
It was a mess. I sat on the kitchen floor with maple whiskey and cried into a bowl of poutine. I've never even been to canada
She just called at a dance party, and you stopped mid puke to join. Another successful night.
I wanna get to the point where I can just send a question mark and get an exclamation point in response
the cuervo was good, but I started with jello shots. and when i threw up a whole jello shot came out.
i woke up this morning with a fake eyeball in my pocket
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