yah I made NO friends last night. at one point i think i replaced talking with spitting
dear sober me, don't br the first to open the fridge in the morning
I was arrested last night for attempting to flee and elude. I wasn't really trying to run from the police. I was drunk and lost in the woods. I thought it was pretty obvious when I was waving at them from my puddle of puke that I wasn't really hiding.
I'm wearing cowboy boots and showing way too much cleavage to be in a place with no jaeger.
I don't know how I'm boarding the plane tomorrow. I have my car registration.
You're gonna die alone anyway. Even if you do meet a man, they die earlier than women. Best case, you have to deal with grieving over his death and then die alone a couple years later. Worst case, you get a terminal illness and he divorces you, leaving you to die alone anyway.
Thanks, mom.
on a scale of 1 to 'no sex' how busy are you this week?
Why yes actually, getting stoned and reading an AARP magazine IS totally where I wanted my night to end!
Half the people who compete die. All the rest either lose their minds or grow an innate fear of sharks, vodka, and fishbowls
Just got convinced to trip sit for a pack of cigarettes and a burrito. Let the games begin
He is currently tell his hat to go free. Like he has it sitting on the table just waiting for it to take off. When he's not looking I'm gonna throw it off the balcony and tell him it's flying
You'd think the dry cleaners next door would be less judgmental for as much business as my theme parties bring them.
Well I've consulted some psychics but they keep saying all they hear in my head is screaming and all they see in my future is pool noodles and cheese dip?
He literally said from now on he's always banging chicks with asthma becuas it's such an ego booster
He's got a british accent, a tounge ring, and he's wearing an eye patch... Of corse I'm fucking him
Did he pick you up in a mini van?
Yes. Turns out my sugar daddy is about to be an actual daddy
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