I think i accidentally made vodka pancakes
bikini waxes are so much more painful when you know you're not getting laid
just gave another girl i passed on the walk of shame a high five
She whispered into my eat that she wanted me to fuck her while her parrot watched...
I think as far as last words to bitter ex girlfriends go, "enjoy that staph infection youre about to get in your uterus" is right up there with the best
There's a person in my phone named motor boat. I love making new friends.
I'm pretty sure I did the Macarena with a gay guy while shot gunning a beer
If tits could talk, mine would be bragging
Some rando guy literally just put my shoes on and tied them for me because I'm drunk... Is this what it feels like to be a princess?
Odd start to the day - the FBI just showed up at my apartment.
Also not to brag but I got high last night and got us a host family in a chateau in the south of France
You know it's time to call it a night when every guy in the bar (all 3 of them) have seen you naked at one time or another.
How are you supposed to wish the guy you send nudes to good luck for the first day of his new job??
Dad hid the hash somewhere in my room and wont tell me where it is until i clean it. My room is spotless. The hash was on the ceiling fan...
Just because I'm asexual doesn't mean I can't have a revenge fuck.
Randomize
