Every time we go downtown I ask myself why we live in Des Moines
Im glad youre not pregnant with that New Jersey assholes baby. Your vagina would have smelled worse than Newark.
Its so hard looking at my mom and pretending I'm not dying a slow death of binge drinking
This makes me miss penis. Not in a horny way... but in a sad, sentimental way.
Come on, without my personality, I'm a pretty good one night stand.
Kinda forgot to grab tampons. Mind if I run to my house to get one? I'd rather not turn my green skinny jeans Christmas colors
Look on the bright side, one day you will get to tell your grandkids how grandpappy got roofied on his 21st and woke up in a for sale house missing his shoes
I just found my lube on the ground next to my bed. I would pay money to find out what the fuck happened that night.
We peed together in a dark alley while holding hands. That is a bond that can never be broken.
30 year old woman with braces and crocs came into the store today with her boyfriend. what am I doing wrong.
Well I'm missing half a toenail if that's any indication of my night
Btw...refried beans is a terrible thing to throw up.
You just managed to turn Dr. Seuss into a sext. I really like you now.
I mean I know I'll get over it by like tonight but ew ew eww. I cannot. Dude I don't even know his name also I threw up on his penis
God damn. You sleep with one 40 year old married dude and suddenly you have “daddy issues”. Fuck all of you.
Randomize
