He just told me he would murder a thousand dolphins to be with me. Quite the charmer.
nailed a girl as she was wearing a darth vader shirt. Cross that one off my list.
he just told me he'd rather go to the pirates game. i know it was desperate but i said id give him roadhead if he let me come along.
I just discovered cum stains from two different guys on my wall. I don't know whether to be proud or horrified.
Thank you as well. My penis is starting a slow-clap right now.
You just kept yelling, "THAT'S THE POWER OF PINESOL, BABY!"
You know your in for a great weekend when you buy the booze already in crutches
I just found a wine bottle in my shower. Must have been a good night.
Why can't I hire someone to teach me how to be a decent human being?
rollerskate sex sounded like a good idea...
There's times when I need to be plowed... and I'm ashamed to admit auto correct was able to predict that entire sentence.
Henceforth: booty calls will now be referred to as "deliveries of anatomy". That is all.
Its weird to introduce me to his wife and kids on the first date, right?
I just got out of the shower and I feel like I just washed off 10 lbs of bad decisions...
Note to self: I can rip apart her vagina and she'll still cuddle with me, but if I steal her Chapstick she'll murder me !?
Randomize
