your parents love me but you hate me
I just bought the big bottle of Patron. It looks small. What have I done with my life?
Succeeded.
You totally narrated your dogs thoughts for 2 and a half hours last night, and I was enthralled. I didn't say one word, I just listened.
Let's just say for some reason we thought it was okay to make a burrito smoothie.
I just got off a plane from Mexico. At least 15 passengers dashed to the bathroom throughout the flight. Can you tell its spring break?
Im trying to find an appropriate gift to your mom for getting both you and your sister on birth control within a week, any suggestions?
at least the person I hooked up with donates to charity, the shirt I was wearing this morning was his relay for life shirt.
Indeed. The kind of morning where puking in someone's shoes is not frowned upon
after the shots you kept on yelling "this is for the dreamers"
hey if you're going to the hospital do you wanna pick me up a taco on your way back
Good morning love! Friendly reminder that we decided to make leggings with a vagina zipper. "For the winter quickie"
So when the drug raid cops tell you, you should get out of the relationship, it probably means its time.
hey at least you are getting hit on, i spent all day researching cat sedatives
and then after the older sorority girl asked me his name she said "he gave me the rest of his mcdonalds and I decided to go home with him. it was the best that I could hope for my night"
I cant believe you bit her ass cheek, she must have been really weirded out.
yeah so we made out to make it less awkward
Randomize
