Hey sorry for feelin' up your date. Sadly, this is a mass txt.
i woke up with socks on this morning
so?
i didnt wear socks last night
Saw a guy smoking a cig holding it with a fork and driving WTF?
we were holding hands throwing up into the same garbage can; if thats not true love i dont know what is .
remember that response paper i wrote naked, at 745am still drunk with a naked dude in my bed? yeah, totally got an a- on that. and he loved my insight.
Also, turning on the light this morning was a 3 step process. Way too hungover.
He did not appreciate the "you did reuse the diamond" comment when looking at his new fiance's ring.
VOOOODKA VOOODKA WE PLEDGE OUR LOVE TO THEEEE VODKAAAA VODKAAAA SAVIOR OF LIBERTYYYY
We were drunk having sex and I knocked over her bedside table/fish bowl and she jumped off to check if her fish was still alive but she made me pasta so it's cool
I don't know how to reply to him. 'I'm glad the ecstasy my friend tricked you into taking wore off'...? It just doesn't seem sincere
They don't have a Valentines Day card for the married guy I'm sleeping with. It can't use the words, love, soulmate, you're the only one for me...and obviously it can't be anything related to spending the day together because that's not happening.
I will pay you in sex, beer and popcorn if you will come fold my clothes for me.
Add free use of your panini press and its a deal.
Deal.
The good thing about country bars is that the men generally look like men. The bad thing is the country music.
Also fuck yeah conspiracy
My son's girlfriend just thanked me for having good penis genes.
Randomize
