I think I won the penis lottery.
Dude i have a 6th sense for when bagel bites are ready.
When health care reform is passed, I'm throwing a kegger
You are the reason we need health care reform
Just passed a Taco Bell Taco Supreme, still in its wrapper, laying in the grass. I'd like a moment of silence.
May it rest in peace.
She referred to her collection of sex toys as an "arsenal." I'm not sure whether to be scared or excited....
I WILL STOP HOOKING UP WITH GUYS EX'S FOR REVENGE. I WILL STOP HOOKING UP WITH GUYS EX'S FOR REVENGE. I WILL STOP HOOKING UP WITH GUYS EX'S FOR REVENGE.
As long as you're naked and covered in glow paint, I'm there.
Hey. My eyes swollen shut and I can't find my shoes. How was your night?
I was so drunk that I passed out before I could do or say anything I'd regret. My low alcohol tolerance is like a guardian angel.
idk about you, but when i sext i just hit em with the "yo lets bang" text
The only thing left on my Bucket List is getting fingered at an aquarium.
can you please not set my house on fire for once???
Can I drink yet?
It's Monday morning.
Your point?
i saved a drunk oompa loompa he was passed out on the lawn and i picked him up figured out where he lived and put him in his bed and wrote his roommate a note
She's chasing the cat around the house hitting it with a cardboard sword yelling "there can be only one!"
Randomize
