I need a shot of tequila, and quick death
Please advise as to how precisely ashamed I should be if I just became sexually aroused by a Harry Potter and the Half Blood Prince preview
while you were getting the key to the dorm from the lobby i was giving a drunk monolog to the security camera about my life
dude. this chick is staring at me like i gave her brother herpes.
She called all of my friends to find out where I was last night. 7 out of ten said their place.
He fucked me so hard I might have to go to the hospital for internal bleeding
Can I have him when you're done?
The last thing I remember is feeding country fried steak to my best friend in a bubble bath with my bare hands.
He asked me what I wanted the cake to say and I then asked him if "I'm sorry for throwing up in your bed last night" was too long. He said it was...
they set my background as his mugshot to remind me "having a big penis won't be a valid excuse in a court room."
He is more interested in finding his sweater than he is in having sex with me. It better be a great fucking sweater.
We took vodka shots. You kept saying it was the key to your heart.
I dare you to find another dealer that delivers bud to your home along with deep fried vegan burritos
Need a Dr's note to excuse me from blowjobs for 3-6 weeks while my jaw heals..
You tried to pick a fight with a polka band saying that you'd wrap the accordion around their throats
She played the piano. I played the piano. She got on top of the piano. I got on top of her.
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