Question: why is there a dildo glued to my kitchen table?
I cant. I'm trying to smell my vagina.
it was 6 in the morning, and you cried until i put mulan in. then you proceeded to say every word, not to mention sing along... stop drinking.
Just sold a bike on craig's list for 4 four lokos and a 40. How bad do you miss college?
So getting drunk in honor of the bomb threat is legit right?
a pansexual with facepaint started fucking a tall black girl on the bed i was sitting on so im going to mcdonalds
We have six bottles of wine and we are at target buying baby oil to grease up the sleds with, just in case you're interested.
yeah the cable guy is coming and everybody is hiding all the pieces in the house. we are up to thirty two. like a fun game of smokable scavener hunt.
I think this agreement was sent by God. I get to do my own thing, get laid, and he still makes me breakfast in the morning.
I'm not gonna get my cat high anymore because what if he has a heart attack. I don't want to be responsible for that shit
Drunk wound on my leg hast healed and neither has my dignity
At least be KIND OF sobering up before you text me, I've told you before I don't speak vodka unless I've been drinking it with you.
PS WHY wasn't I drinking it with you? Dick.
Do you remember telling the Uber driver that "his cologne makes you want to bone"?
I drunkenly said, "That's my future father-in-law!" And everyone made an uncomfortable / disgusted face... including the aforementioined future father-in-law. Maybe I should start dating other people.
There were no words. I got in his car, took my pants off, threw my shirt out the window, and got things started. After we were done I collected my clothes, gave him a kiss, and crept back into my house.
You're like the sex ninja. How doesn't he love you?!
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