Next weekend I am getting a library card and staying my whore ass home.
my boob sweat smells like rotting zombie flesh
is this your pickup line?
I drunk wandered into my parents bed and slept between them
you know it's bad when you need sunglasses to open the refrigerator
i have rugburns grass stains and some road rash. im an all terrain slut
Hope your thanksgiving is a complete blowjob festival.
I found him down the block clinging to a light post laughing and crying because a house "looked like it had buck teeth"
'go have sex with her' ddoes not count as wingman
So you drank bourbon with cough syrup?
I still had a cough. It only makes sense
I've never had someone so bad at kissing. It was like he was trying to block my airway with his tongue and he succeeded...
Why the fuck is there a picture of us jumping a girl that's wearing my chicken mask?
I would totes reciprocate the nip pic, but I'm sick with a piece of tissue shoved up one of my nostrils and I'm just not feeling that ambitious. Sorry.
Thanks for bringing that stuff to help me feel better...you know, the water, the Gatorade, and the dick. You really are the best friend ever.
Jamie's fucking a senior citizen and I'm eating chips and salsa in the shower at 2am, so whatever you're doing it can't be worse.
You threw him in the dryer?
He went in of his own accord. Mumbled something about experiencing the blossoming of popcorn.
Randomize
