I am in a vortex of obligation.
We have a vodka soaked ShamWow with your name on it.
So the bouncer told me I could leave the easy way or the hard way. I told him I was going to make him earn his 10 bucks that hour.
Apparently you chose the latter.
When he took off his pants i accidently shouted "that is one small wiener," and thats when he left
you'd think someone with a dick that small would take what he could get
Under no circumstances is it ok to do naked cartwheels in front of anyone. i don't care how much ecstasy you took
so the photographer said "let's get a picture of the cousins" so we posed together, and then he said " lets get a picture of the couples" So we posed together.
I mean I love some drunk compliments, but he just wasn't up to my low standards.
I see you listening to my get shitfaced playlist on spotify. glad we're on the same page tonight there's a drink waiting for you downstairs.
Trust me. My dick only does selfies for you.
Just so you know. And I'm telling you this because I care deeply for you. Blue raspberry poptarts taste exactly the same as the regular raspberry ones.
You are attracted to power and since you can't date the married old guy you have to go for the next best thing - his gay son
That reminds me of the morning I woke up on the sidewalk covered in chicken wings
I want you to know. From the bottom of my heart, that you are a great friend, a beautiful person, and one of my favorite people in this world. But if you ever send me that many messages again at 4am I swear to God, I will push you in from of a fast running rhino
They weren't kidding when they said "Go Army Strong." Best sex I ever had.
If my body were a person, it would be beating the shit out of me for what I did to it last night.
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