omg! a creepy truck driver just made a frog puppet wave at me!!!
Hey Operation Dumbo Drop... FYI, when you select your date this evening, our doorway is 3'x7'
woke up with withdrawal cold sweats this morning. spring break must really be over.
The only word I understood in that whole setence was semen.
hiding in a bush to avoid a seven dollar cab ride. cabby got out a flashlight and looked for us for like an hour. help.
He went all Bachlorette on me.. "I just want to guard and protect your heart" bullshit
I recorded his orgasm, set it as his ringtone, and called him while they were singing happy birthday to his mom. Yeah, revenge is sweet.
The last thing I remember was wearing a sombrero and trying to do cartwheels in the club
You did one successfully. Then smashed into the wall
You threw up in your own shoe then wore it home
I just sugar scrubbed my vagina. If I don't get laid tonight, me and the universe are gonna have some problems.
My parents are now taking hits off a joint. Thank you.
The one time I decide to bring people over you are laying naked on the coffee table watching the ceiling fan cause "it just moves so fast" I'm guessing you got paid today??
he invited me over. we listened to jazz, smoked weed, then cerebrally fucked each other over a three hour game of chess
my Mom is now my Eskimo sister... she fucked my ex in my bed and took a selfie
Well the cops were called after the kid fell, but we saw 4 cute guys from our window while it was going down, so it wasn't all that bad.
Randomize
