I hate all girls vehemently.
The old woman next to me on the el smells like cupcakes...but she doesn't taste like cupcakes
My Dad named our wireless network after my dead grandma. I refuse to look up porn on my dead grandma...
maybe tonight we can turn coloring into a drinking game
He just washed his hands with scrubbing bubbles yelling "They work hard so I don't have to!"
I'm graduating. Then you'll never see me again.
We better fuck soon then
Is it bad that I just used Smirnoff as mouthwash?
yeah, it's no longer just 'day drinking' when it's 5pm and you're knocking over fruit displays at fresh market
his dick makes me think maybe a monogamous relationship forever is possible.
Just had a VERY VIVID visualization of wrapping a pizza around my cock and fucking its brains out. Soooooo less weed more dates?
The girl who comes up after me always strips to Lana Del Rey. I didn't think working in a strip club could be any more depressing.
Would you think less of me if I were eating pizza on the toilet right now?
"Nobody needs to know that I have a vibrating butt plug and nobody needs to know that I'm probably gonna start wearing it at work"
You can't leave me alone in times of distress because I will fuck things 🙈😐
After we finish having sex, he smokes an honest to God pipe. It's like fucking a big, sexy Sherlock Holmes...
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