You seriously need to keep doing my sexting for me. I just said something about "riding cock like a dick rodeo"
I'm sorry I make you whore yourself out to him everytime I'm drunk and want mcdonalds.
We're pretty much just dating until one of our ex's wants us back
I just conveyed my whole sex life to my mom over voicemail. Anddd, I'm hammered.
Top night. Top night.
She shit all over my seat. She is not allowed in my car under any circumstances. Not even with drugs. You can't forgive a shit.
Just ushered a raccoon across the street so yeah.. Good night
Meanwhile she's getting her law degree and I'm dropping Cool Ranch Doritos down my bra because I'm laying down eating on the couch
Sitting in my car feasting on the spoils of Taco Bell as Donna Lewis croons "I love you, always forever." A more perfect moment will never exist.
I just want to return to LA when the weed and dick is plentiful.
I'm bringing my passport in case we get drunk and wind up in Mexico
First encounter with a mirco peen. I was confused when he said he doesnt go down on girls. Cmon dude, practice on a peach.
Dude, some chick came over here earlier and thought my lube was hand sanitizer. She poured it all over her hands.
I'm so high I have morphed into the monopoly man. Or maybe the Pringles guy. I don't know but I have a mustach now
We were dancing and then he pointed to the club floor and there was money that I dropped everywhere. That was the nicest thing someone has ever done for me.
The best part of last night is not remembering half of it
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