I found the TV remote. It was in the washing machine along with the chicken wings you kept complaining to Domino's about that they 'never delivered'
You kept whispering, no one does me like Jimmy Johns does me.
He had the smallest penis i'd ever seen. I can see why he drinks his life away.
I stopped understanding conversations unrelated to vodka two vodkas ago.
the bartender cut you off himself after you started walking on tops of tables and hugging random people
If you hook up with your cousin you will permanently be my favorite person ever.
I'm praying that the company stray cat shows up tomorrow. I think I may have hit it while leaving Friday. Nobody will believe it was an accident after I hit the last one.
All i remember is you yelling at a stop sign and the rest is a blur
He passed out. I tried to set his chest hair on fire.
Cancun blessed me with a drinking problem
he called me 'mate' and i had to remind him that you dont call people mate who continously make your dick hard
I think I gave a random lady a dildo
Again?!
Now I have the opportunity to have Chris Pratt or Channing Tatum?!? What a time to be alive.
Dude, he turned on “London Bridge” by Fergie and GAVE ME A LAP DANCE.
By the time we got to McDonald's you were sharing a Big Mac with a stripper.
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