3:12 am: but i thought i was coming over tonight, don't fall asleep i wore new underwear
You don't understand how difficult it is to give head with cotton mouth
Ok, honestly? Periods can't be THAT bad, have you ever tried to shave a ball sack?!
that girl from work that wants to bone me just said 'the last time i went this long without sex was in jail'. sup, red flag
Your place is a magnet for either righteous parties or crippling alcohol dependency. Lets find out which together
Why is my drynk life bleeding into my real life
I stole something. Which direction out are you guys gonna go
I think I might be harboring a Canadian in my womb.
You wouldn't believe how many pro-life stickers, and "show us your tits" signs there are between here and Dallas.
This chick just walked by and pet my beard. Don't know, never talked to her. She just walked by and pet my beard.
Marry her
Just saw the bridesmaid use her new sister in law as a stripper pole
He put a doughnut around his dick and I ate it. What can I say. It was a good fucking night.
The girls said some drunk guy in footie pajamas was asking for me when they opened the doors. I thought we agreed you were gonna stay home and microwave me some bacon.
Man the amount of drugs being done at a wedding with a bunch of surgeons was disturbing
so I just realized.. of my 70k student loan debt, most of it went toward bar tabs, eightballs, and sweet-ass ties to wear to gamedays and other people's weddings. I think about shit like this while I'm at my mid-level management position. you know. "working."
Look upon your future, America, and despair.
Randomize
