Omg alex and i were cooking weiners on a campfire and a bear came and i am waayyy too high for this
O.A.R does not stand for Old Recycled Abortions.
Im def. not watching the CMAs. If Kanyes not gonna be there whats the point?
he just told me he'd rather go to the pirates game. i know it was desperate but i said id give him roadhead if he let me come along.
its not thanksgiving till you and grandpa shotgun beers out in the shed, and lose
All I heard was "I swear it'll be funny" and then we were in jail.
He says I tipped the waitress ten dollars because she "smelled like pigs in a blanket."
I was giving a campus tour, when a drunk senior came up behind me and shouted at the group, "If Jesus ain't your homeboy - get the fuck off this campus!" Looks like his religion course is paying off...
I hate it when fuck holes buy me drinks at the bar. You don't know my order. You don't know me. You don't know where I've been. You don't know my life.
He's in a nude suit, bald, with a pink headband and a black sharpie streak down his forehead.
Pretty sure the shower sex fucked up my hip alignment... im walking like im 104 today
Remember that time you came over to my house and I was on the porch naked and eating peanut butter?
Which is worse that I came in public or that no one noticed?
If you gave someone an std. would you say a muffin basket, a candy gram or an edible arrangement is a better choice to send them?
Just told my dad about my heroic mailbox showdown. He looked at me strange. I think he thinks I'm high.
You are high.
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