Can I come over?
Can't... I'm at class right now.
No your not
I'm outside by your car.
Just had to open a tuna can with a spoon. Gave me a sense of hunting for my own food.
So it turns out my dad calls his penis "John" which means he either named me after his penis or his penis after me
it was like vegas minus all of the penis and death threats
WHY ARE YOU SMOKING WEED WHEN YOU JUST HAD A STROKE. AND MORE IMPORTANTLY WHY ARE YOU DOING IT WITHOUT ME.
At least I'm doing lines with a notecard. That counts for something right
I thought he put a fake swan in my yard, but no, he put a real life swan in my yard
Hung over and there is no way in the world I can make this mess look good today. Only solution is to stay drunk.
Finally smoked with my brothers, I feel like I just won gold at the Best Older Brother Ever Olympics
Trying to decide who to DD on the fourth and I came up with a Who's who of guys I've hooked up with in the last month. Not an ideal situation, but I have a feeling it's gonna happen anyway.
I called my mom while I was blackout drunk, and told her I was drunk, safe, and happy. But really, I was just drunk.
I wore home his HoHoHo boxers. I've never felt such a connection to an article of clothing.
I may be going to Mexico. I just met a drug dealer at a strip club. Seems legit.
So TMI but just realizing I have not masturbated since trump took office. He's sucked the sex drive out of me.
The cashier looked at my basket, looked at me and said "That's a lot of wine." I looked at her and said "Mother in law." She nodded approvingly.
Randomize
