From behind she looks like Richard Simmons
living well may be the best revenge, but it doesn't hurt that my exhusband is now dating a BEAST.
I trust that you have thought of something completely illegal for us to do this weekend.
the two person party stopped when i realized that he tried to throw a hammer at my head.
There are so many Jimmy John's employees here
Where are you?
Jimmy John's.
You take your time. Wallowing in last nights filth is the best way to get over a hangover
I just stood up and am wasted. I think I just admitted to my mom that I am trying to fuck everyone in New York because they're skinny and ethnically ambiguous. Meanwhile, happy hour isn't over yet.
Ummm, my mojito just spilled on 2 essays as I'm grading. Who says high schoolers have all the fun?
OH MY GOD IT'S LIKE SHOOTING FISH IN A BARREL, EXCEPT INSTEAD OF FISH THEY ARE FIGHTER PILOTS
I'm at an awkward stage of not being able to tell if I wanna keep having fun or if I need to die in bed
Drunk assassins creed leads to explaining to my father that "it was only a steak knife in the arm"
Also, my old intern Lizzie whom you fed pizza to last night wants to hang out with you
I'm going to smell of sex and shame.
How is that different than any other Monday night?
Don't let me pee the bed... Its going to be one of those weekends
I'm so hungry and so lazy that I'm seriously considering ripping into that packet of cream cheese in my nightstand.
Randomize
