On the bright side, nobody died. Please bring me back my left shoe. I have work in an hour.
that ring i bought was worth the 6 bucks. wore it to the bar, told some girl i was recently divorced and wasnt ready to take it off. just got laid. THRICE.
I wouldn't blame my organs if they just decided to quit working after this weekend
Next time someone asks you what your spirit animal is do you really want to answer the iowa state fair butter cow?
If you get home and there is an older woman there, its my mom. She wants to come and see the place after work. Just an FYI. Not the older sluts I bang.
Our apt smells like hot shit marinated in oregano and cumin. No more taco truck dinner, fuck face. The wall paper is peeling.
I believe you would have been proud of me last night.. I was chasin Fireball shots with Jack and Coke. Guess there's a reason they call me Whiskey Woman.
I have to call my new boss to accept the job offer so you have pack the bowl while I pretend I'm a responsible adult THEN we can get high
Also, if asking a guy to come over and watch curling with you doesn't scream let's fuck then idk what does
I needed tweezers to get my thong out of my ass this morning.
I felt I lost my designated buddy on a field trip when you wandered off to get high with strangers.
He fucked me while wearing his night time breathing machine mask. Does this mean I joined the dark side and he is Darth Vader?
I was at a crossroads, dude. Like, do I wanna eat chicken McNuggets or talk about my feelings?
I just made myself 3 peanut butter sammies because I was too hungry to watch porn
Why can't he see that I don't want a slow getting to know you period? I just want to bone. NOW.
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