She punched me in the face after i pulled it out and grabbed my cell phone. Ill be the one hiding in the bushes with one shoe.
I need to have sex with someone before he does. I need to win this break up!
Your roommate was biting my friend last night. It was weird.
you handed me your bra at the bar and said 'hold my purse'
You need to tell your booty call to take some sudafed or something. I swear I thought you were humping Kermit the frog last night
she always winds up in the cupboards its nothing new.
I've been practicing for you. Including stockpiling medical supplies for curing hangovers.
Just found a bag of weed nailed to the door that my dealer dropped off since I wasn't home. God I love Boulder.
Oh trust me, i am. It's like magic, but instead of rabbits and doves its orgasms- He just keeps pulling them out of nowhere.
It's hard being an adult. And by that I mean it's hard to tell the boy you like who rejected you that you can't share a room with him at white party because you don't want to see him bang other boys.
whenever he tweets that he wants to get blackout it's like a neon sign for "i want to bang you tonight"
Nothing says "welcome to Denver" like a hot 18 year old giving you directions to the dispensary and ending up blowing you in the backseat
Just letting everyone know that I am still alive after last night. On a related note, this is the 15th "I'm not dead!" mass text I've sent. You've got to celebrate the little things.
just had a woman ask me to donate my eggs so that her baby could look like me. don't know whether to get a restraining order or be flattered. thoughts?
His sister gave me the "if you hurt him I will break your neck" talk. I didn't know how to tell her we're not a couple.
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