Did I ever tell you that the first person i made out with cried?
Remember that one time i smeared period blood on your face?
I hate you
okay so using the row boat as a giant snow sled probably wasn't the best idea.
It's like all my brain cells are screaming at me.
I'm dying.
I got laid and laid off at a conference in long beach all on the same day
Eh. They balance each other out
They better not charge my debit card for what you peed on.
How did I roll 7 times this month and survive?\nI must be some sort of ecstasy goddess
I found out he put two potatoes in a jar because he wants to make his own vodka.
i woke up with a kayak in my amazon shopping cart with 1 wrong digit on my credit card and the transaction wasn't going through.
Mom just told me I need to start having sex.
Geez don't go to a bar for a few days and everyone freaks out.
You were a for sure 10. You put on a traffic cone to meet someone.
..and by hang out i don't mean fucking then going back home i mean let's get something to eat & watch a movie and fuck sometime in between.
Yeah everywhere i go i feel like a 3rd or 5th or (2n+1)th wheel. That's right, i'm a mathematically depressed drunk.
You ran the halls of the dorm naked handing out condoms. You were the sex fairy. Best you can do if you're not getting laid.
Randomize
