K, im just throwing this out there, i am not making out with any of his friends... Especially the cross eyed one.
tequila makes her clothes fall off
wow Mom, sounds like youre having a good time
He literally just walked in some random persons house and walked right to they're pantry. Then five minutes later he walks out with pop-tarts, mac and cheese, and captain morgan. We need to chill with this kid more often.
why is there an outline of nathan's body on my wall in whip cream?
Oh god. It's like a broken faucet. My guts sound like a bilge pump clogged with golf balls and cake frosting.
It summer and it's getting a lot harder to hide sex bruises from my parents.
First world problems?
Get your clothes on you are our DD for the night. The usual three way payment
You were spooning an empty magnum of white wine in the middle of the bed so I slept on the couch
Well at least there's no more confusion about your place in my life. Wine > pizza > your dick > the rest of you.
Love you...
Come over. Bring cocaine. And my t shirt with the dolphin on it.
I'm in the kitchen making quiche for my fuck buddy and his wife. I'm probably not the chick to get dating advice from.
You were petting a 40 year old man's moustache for 15 minutes
I just googled, "what type of cured meat does my face taste like", and one of the top results was, "The Definitive Guide to Bacon." I couldn't make this up if I tried.
Does your drug dealer have a printer I can use??
I'm trying to imagine how upset he was when he realized that he had been cockblocked by a picture of a sloth and I am drawing indescribable pleasure from it.
Pooping to opera.
Randomize
