I don't know how this happened but I got an email thanking me for being a Waffle House regular. HOW DO THEY KNOW?? Maybe I need to stop going there shitfaced.
She pulled a cheeseburger out of her purse. I have missed her so much.
Its officially tradition: I black out every year on michael jackson's death day..
Somehow ended up at a stranger's bridal shower. Everyone else is already drunk.
just chugged some gatorade and threw it up. todays gonna be awesome
You better be coming back...your date is passed out in a shrub in my backyard and I'm pretty sure her shirt is on my kitchen floor
That stripper was not happy when I tried putting a dollar in her court mandated ankle bracket/tracking device
I basically have sex lined up for me in three different countries. If that's not a feat I don't know what is
Jill you already won the game by finding a dude who will fuck you in flamingo knee socks. Theres no hope for the rest of us
Stop it with the monkey emojis. It's like sexting with Curious George
I think I fucked someone on the flight home last night.
These snow days are takeing a toll on my liver
Im bringing my light up rubber ducky just in case we end up at a rave tonight. HE CHANGES COLOR!
I JUST WANT TO SIT IN MY UNDERWEAR AND WATCH THE BRAVES GAME AND NOT BE CONSTRAINED BY MY ED SHEERAN SHORTS
the person she was housesitting for had a christmas card from charlie sheen on the fridge so we fucked on the couch and just slept in the bed
Randomize
