party was madd awkward.. it was like every person who i sat next to in high school and never said hi to was there
I think I just met the technical qualifications for binge drinking in five minutes
I'd love to come and give you a massage, but we already duck taped my keys to the ceiling...
she just walked in and said "well, I got peed on again"...
Hungover like ... in bed with the Brita pitcher and a straw, only opening one eye at a time.
You just kept walking around saying "my brain is soup" then sat on the kitchen counter washing your feet. You bit the guy that tried to help you down
I'm glad we are bonding over both contracting clamidya. Winners.
100%
I just found a hunk of ham in my back jeans pocket from god knows when. We gotta stop going so ham.
They called it unicorn pee, and i thought that was interesting so i drank it. Please don't let me drink strangers booze again.
don't trust your eyes. just sniff them. if they smell like axe, they are broke, move on to the next.
Um...It has come to my attention that I may have said some rather vulgar things about Sean Connery to you and anyone listening last night, so...I apologize for that. I meant the things I said. But still. Sorry.
I am a woman. I need to be selective about the porn I stream on my phone. Who knows if my cell will ever get lost, who will see it and what they'd think otherwise. Keepin' it classy tampa.
"Just cut me in half. Then take half of me home. And leave the other half here. Cuz I can't see."
He wants me to tell you "my boner misses you"
You know you're an upperclassmen when you go to a party with no makeup, wet hair, weed socks, and no shoes, take a shot ski, then leave
Randomize
