I think I tried picking up these girls last night by asking them what their favorite color was...I obviously woke up alone
You're perfectly engineered for doggy style
I was still in a towel. We hadn't even started drinking yet and the champagne bottle dropped and exploded literally up into my vagina.
They left me stranded on the side of the road with a table and five gallons of water. They said it was all I really needed to survive. People are staring
Using a miniature baseball bat to kill a mosquito in the house may not have been the most efficient or safest way, but that thing is fucking dead. However, so are three wine glasses, a lamp, and my baseball bat privileges. Worth it.
For the record, just because I'm a mess doesn't mean I don't know what I'm talking about when I give you advice. I'm way better at other people's lives.
I'm resourceful. I forgot we don't have coca cola so now I'm drinking Jack & Dew or Mountain Daniels. Also, I haven't decided on an official name yet for this drink. I'm leaning toward Jack & Dew
That's the ultimate walk-of-shame: running away from your own apartment and hiding in a McDonald's.
Uh, he still talks to you after you basically sexually harassed him using emojis?
You slapped the bar and yelled "daddys thirsty!" at the lady behind the bar
To be fair I was thirsty
When she told you not to yell you looked directly at me and screamed "Man, she sucks!"
It made me want to take you home, put you in footie pajamas and feed you spaghettios
He gave me a script of norcos and touched my balls so overall it's been a good day.
She helped me out of the car and i face planted into the snow.....and just stayed there and took like a 30 min nap.
She was so happy for me that she insisted I fuck her with my Bills jersey on. THAT ACCOMMODATING
There's a lady rapping at me about making healthy food choices. She lives in a refrigerator. This is not okay with me
Randomize
