My 12 y/o god son's bandmate just asked me to their school dance. Still he's a better catch than the last one...
Fuck U Mike is a golden god.
Mike give steph back her phone.
the bulge in his pants is not junk. its hair. trust.
there is a ziplock bag over sangria in a wineglass in the fridge...classy?
im almost positive that in mid thrust she told me she was pro choice
I don't even know man. I was to busy having beer showered on me and grabbing some balls
If I have to give a UPS guy a lap dance, you owe me a drink.
The cop used the word "belligerent" 16 times in the report. You get to bail him this time. I'm not up for it.
I think sneezing out coked up boogers onto your professor disqualifies you from the "I was sick" excuse
I spent the money she owed me on enough magnum condoms to make a blimp. Damn right I'm going to make the best of it.
What kind of scumbag goes to a baby's 1st birthday party with a black eye? This kind. Me. I'm disgraceful.
He wrote me a Haiku titled, "Let me touch your butt".
Yeah ok. We can maid of honor each other since you don't like my boobs enough to lesbian marry me
Unfortunately i'm awake, hungover, and covered in something I'm pretty sure is Easy Cheese. Send help.
I just fucked her boyfriend. Happy birthday, bitch.
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