Thank God they found balloon boy, I was afraid that Michael Jackson was ordering take out from heaven.
Within 5 minutes of max walking in his pants were off and he was wearing my snow goggles as underwear.
you kept looking at stripers and saying " Go to College"
the thought 'we cant do it, we're in a public place' crossed my mind, and then I realized he's succeeding if he's trying to domesticate me.
elevator sex. pronto.
Nothing like buying a handle and a 36 pack with a baby strapped on.
hey dude come in here and see how much of my beard i can put in my mouth!
Also I'd like you to set a calendar reminder that goes off every day for you to take 2 minutes to think about what your life would be like without me.
in literally every picture i'm wearing less and less of my costume.
I think I'll bring the beer we scavenged from that other party. What goes around comes around, especially when it's Corona because that shit is not staying in my fridge
So in the middle of making out, he decided to give me a breast exam. God I love dating a doctor. He saved me a $20 copay.
Only my second night back in town and I already have drunk middle aged women doing the robot around me in a circle.
Forever getting my life back together in gas station bathrooms.
You made noises. And kept meowing. I have a twenty minute phone call to prove it.
She walked up to me and whispered "I hope you're good at sex" and led me to the beach.
I know you would. And one day, we'll have a moment where i'll verbally assault a stranger for you.
Randomize
