everytime he calls himself the maxipad master i can't help but wonder what costume that would involve.
dude my little brother busts into my room last night and yells did you know that grandma is hiding scrambled eggs between her legs
I just stepped on my own foot and apologized to my shoe... THAT high.
She posts like 3 statuses a day pleading for pity. Responding positively would be like giving a dog a treat for shitting on the floor.
Tis a story best told in person, it involves a golf course, police and vomit
It usually does with you
she said "the two best ways to sober up are to nurse someone or give a blowjob" and im gonna go along with it.
He just walked into my room in a robe with a cooking pot of cereal.
duuuude the clock in this car says its 85 past 19.
dear god, who put you in a cab?
Crying in the liquor store is not a good look
Should I tell him the real reason I was in the hospital, or should I just keep him thinking the side effect he thought was in for was allergy related, not I just miscarried the child I didn't know we were having?
I told him I would only take his calls if he was dead, dying, capturing a midget, or buying me shots.
I stand by my new policy.
There just aren't enough words in the English language to convey my deep and abiding love of your cock. So I am beefing up on my Portuguese.
My wife ladies and gentlemen! Love ya babe.
I got so drunk at the hockey game I bought everyone behind me in concession line a funnel cake.
As much as I trust your struggle imma deal with being Eskimo brothers with my own sister before I get to that
I told you that you couldn’t eat fifty tacos, you slapped me in the face, ate seventeen tacos, and fell asleep on my floor
Randomize
