I shaved my pubes to make my cock look like it has a lions mane. to surprise the girl that works at the zoo when she comes over.
I stayed up for an hour trying to make my room stop spinning and then I realized it was bc my fan was on
Woke up to a bouquet of flowers in my toilet bowl. Drunk hubby loves me.
Just wondering did you put mouse traps and brownies on my porch?
You have to come over we all bought drinking hats. Mine has a turtle on it. Side note: somehow someone got their hands on 50 candied apples and we need to eat them...
We're having a serious conversation and I just responded to something he said with an emoticon. I am so baked.
I totally just stopped for a booty call on the way to my parents for easter....good friday is an understatement
STD scares really help you understand the whole six degrees of separation thing...
His water bottle is sitting on my coffee table like a monolith dedicated to the things he is not doing to my vagina.
I'm wearing a cape at the laundromat. I really can't say shit
i just woke up to her giving me a toothy BJ so I had to break into your bedroom and steal about 4 condoms. Sorry for waking you. :(
I don't think I've ever had this many people offer me blow before. 3 o'clock on a Thursday. I keep good company.
FYI, his "son" is a Chihuahua.
There’s nothing that says motivation more than watching these little geniuses on Kids Baking Championship New Year’s Day. I’m ready to fuck shit up this year.
You set a couch on fire in my brothers backyard?
Just the cushions
Randomize
