never have phone sex with a hardcore republican during this health care crisis . just dont.
Remind me to tell you the Scottish bar story tomorrow
Remind me to tell you it was a shitty story when you're done telling it tomorrow
the bottle said: caution extremely flammable. so that was my motivation.
Theres a fat guy wearing a speedo. Someone just got puked on, and didnt even react. Whats happening?
A beer fell out of the case, hit the ground and started spraying. He's a pro. He grabbed it and shotgunned it while still holding the case.
You know you're an adult when you break 100 to get 75 cents, to buy a condom from a bar vending machine in South Boston.
Just had a shirt made that says "I'm sorry" going to wear it every sat and sun morning for the foreseeable future
IT'S SUMMA TIME
ITS SUMMA TIME NOT BE HIGH ALL THE TIME TIME
THEY'RE THE SAME THING
I'm sorry I peed on your everything.
Home-made laxative recipe: activia yogurt and tequila shots. Any ratio ought to work.
God it's like my stomach is full of drunk bees
I'm currently sitting beside my brother who is taking a bath and feeding him nachos while he covers his genitals. If that's not sibling bonding then I don't know what is
I found a loose wire in my thermostat. Couldn't find the pliers, so I used a nipple clamp to fix it.
Doing the walk of shame from the back of a Jeep to the porta potty it's parked next to while your dad watches is not what you want.
Nothing says Happy Thanksgiving like running into your ex boyfriend at the liquor store at 3 in the afternoon.
Randomize
