I miss Bob Barker.
Yeah, more like Douche Carey...
Just spent 3 hours on the Mcdonalds website. I don't know what to do with myself now that college is over.
Charles Darwin would shit his pants if he saw that we managed to survive that weekend.
whenever he tweets that he wants to get blackout it's like a neon sign for "i want to bang you tonight"
Everything smells like vodka and bologna. WHAT DID YOU DO?
Dude, you kicked in the door to get to a six-person orgy while yelling "I JUST WANT TO LEARN!!"
Now all I want to do is stay up, drink wine, and look at dragons.
I FUCKED THE WRONG FRIEND HELP ME
No feeling is better than coming home from your booty call and putting on a fresh pair of granny panties
I woke up with a black eye and a buttplug...not sure I really want to know what happened.
Double dirt bag award winner tonight. He picked me up in his wife's car.
Do you lock your house? Serious question, I need to know if I can add it to my list of emergency poop stops
Hi. I have frying pans taped to my feet. I achave to go the hospital, theyre on pretty tight. Can't feel legs bring me juice
Dude, I just masturbated with my cat sleeping on my boobs....
You have GOT to get this crazy cat lady thing under control. I'm finding you a man. And you'll take him, and thank me. After that text, you have no right to be picky.
Did I honestly think it was a good idea to wear my pink robe out in public at 2 in the morning ?
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