He just spent five minutes trying to sling shot a cheese-it off his dick and into my mouth.
What happened last night?
You soiled yourself again and told everybody that you'd given birth.
lets have sex before this no shave november shit gets outta hand.
seriously who else gets carried home puking from a fucking mary kay party?
We got a 5L jug of wine for 3 Euro. Italy was a good choice.
Woke up with his dick on the side of my face, it's like he passed out mid-mushroom stamp.
Just got motor boated by a horse in the street
I got a dollar bill stuffed into my bra on two separate occasions by two separate guys simply for having boobs. I feel like somewhere god is patting himself on te back while pointing at me goin "you're welcome dude." easiest two bucks I ever made.
After everything you did, you followed it with "Oh God, that's something a high person would do. But I'm not high." So yeah, you're not getting near my stash again.
Shouting "one vagina to rule them all" was probably not the best way to meet our best mates fiance
Sorry brah. Drastic times called for drastic measures and I had to go home and bang a cougar.
I made a bong out of my deodorant today. Did you?
He took a girl home at like eight, fucked her, kicked her out, came back to the bar, and repeated the process again at 10:30 and 2:30. THREE GIRLS IN ONE NIGHT. ALL PICKUPS. I HATE HIM.
he told me he didn't like my name so he was going to call me Casey instead
If you binge watch Bill Nye Saves the World without me you can consider yourself single
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