just got my goo swallowed for the first time. colors seem so much more vivid now, and more rainbows are outside
There is no way when we get home that nothing will hapen
I'm so high I just tried to eat a hair tie thinking it was one of my pretzels.
well let's see. after you forcefully shoved a half-eaten apple in my mouth, you ruined the pepsi by dumping an entire beer in there.
Had dinner with my ex husband. The box of wine is gone and I'm laying on the floor in my wedding dress. Where are you?!
Hate the very realistic pregnancy dreams. Like my dream when I birthed the pirate ships. SO REAL...
We didn't have sex but he is somehow naked and laying on top of me. his dick is touching my leg and freaking me the fuck out.
Dont worry bro, i'll be the designated kayaker. I wouldnt want u to be drinking and kayaking.
Looks like I've become the Walter White of my PhD cohort.
I think I'm going to give him a welcome back to single life blow job
Nick's drunk off his ass and Kyle just Texted me and all he said was "butt pirates from space".
Exactly man. Who needs doctors when you have vodka and hot knives.
Sext me about skeletons
Literally I can feel my heart beat in my vagina because of how sore I am
The highlight of my night will be digging in other people's garbage
Randomize
