I just woke up my dad to tell him that i made out with the drummer. He wasnt as excited as I was.
i just watched my husband get a prostate exam. sex is ruined for me.
they hired a photographer to take a family portrait for grandmas bday gift. we just hired a male stripper. we are def the better grandkids.
when i was alone, his dick was there for me...
Drinking with a woman who gave an anti-drugs speech at my high school. Somehow, not surprised.
shes the kind of girl that would cock block endangered pandas
I'll send you the picture of you double fisting vodka bottles, grinding one guy and making out with another... Every girl wanted to be you.. You make me so proud!
There are 144 bottles of wine in my mother's pantry. She just shrugged her shoulders and said it was for the wine pong tournament on Christmas Day.
"The cab driver felt bad for us so he stopped to buy us chocolates. That counts as a valentine!"
Tequila is gods way of telling you don't fuck with tequila
Help. I am eating nachos. But I'm with some guy. I need help. I don't know where I am. The nachos were so good. I'll bring them but help me.
I may have interrupted sex but im bringing them both to McDonalds. Am I not the greatest older sister ever?
This couple is walking their pig around campus
You sending me our unborn, unfertilized babies' names is not what I envisioned when you said you'd "drunk text me later".
My new plan is to whip out my titties when they arrive. Maybe they won’t notice that I broke the couch fucking my boss...
Randomize
