At a place where you lie naked on a big pile of pillows and they feed you lobster. You eat it with your bare hands.
then my best friend's brother, boyfriend, and future bro in law showed up at the bar. they asked who i was there with. didn't know if "a 40 year old man" or "my 5th grade teacher" was better answer.
when you get a chance can you look up 'free abortion clinic' for me? cuz i dont think i'll be lucky enough for a second miscarriage.
Yes i believe i did use that word. It culminated in a man wearing a corset thigh highs and stripper shoes. All mine btw.
I HATE DRINKING WITH JUST GIRLS, ITS 1030 THEYRE ALL HAMMERED AND TALKING ABOUT HOW AWESOME THEIR SHOES ARE!!!!!!!
did you come by the house last night? I found a half eaten corn dog in the mail box.
So yeah you need to stop having near death experiences at McDonalds.
I found what appears to be half an E pill and part of a tooth in my pocket this morning
Trying to take a shit right now to the beat of the fuckin drumcircle outside... It's not goin well
If you were a real friend you would have told me you saw me in a porno despite how awkward of a convo it is. You act like I should always know when I'm being recorded.
I could have made money off of that but no you had to wait 2 years to drunkenly tell me this shit.
The Supreme Court upheld health insurance. If that's not an excuse to get hospital drunk, I don't know what is.
Ever since the Christmas fiasco of '08, I can no longer watch Rudolf the Red nosed reindeer without getting a hard on
Why would you trust me with ANYTHING!!!???
Remember that St. Patrick's Day when I fucked your married coworker in his truck and the whole bar was chanting for you "Don't fuck Mike"?! #TheLuckOfTheIrish 🍀
When a guy asks for your ig but you already know his blood type, social security number, & mother's maiden name.
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